Chicken Eggs
by collardog
Summary: The wacky, weird and wonderful tale of Voldemort and a GIANT chicken.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters (except the giant chicken) however much I wish to, they all belong to J. K. Rowling and all those people who own any rights to it. **

Once upon a time, there was a school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, this school was once a battleground, where one of the most evil wizards of all time was killed, this is the story of him, his servant, the woman he loves and some giant chickens.

"Students, Students, please be quiet" reaching for his wand, I watched as Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, cast a non – verbal Sonorous and yelled "SILENCE." Obviously pleased at the sudden quiet reverberating through the Great Hall he smiled and continued, "I know that you may all be a little bit excited that Professor Binns has disappeared, but I must ask that for a second or two we mourn this friendly ghost who will be well missed, I am sure." "As it is, Professor Snape has agreed to teach those who wish to learn about other history besides Goblin history and I must ask that you put in your name with your head of house if this is so, the events and ideas that you will learn about will be battle and strategically warfare, history of magical creatures and the nature of magical spells and wands. Thank you that will be all"

Humming to myself, I could not believe I would be so lucky, I Hermione Jean Granger would have the chance to be taught History of Magic by Professor Snape as well as Potions, despite notions of Professor Snape being insufferable and the greasy git / bat / bastard of the dungeons I know he is rather sweet and is probably kinky and severely unappreciated in the sex department. With only a couple of months left of school, and less time than that before exams I know that I must prepare for everything, not just exams, because I Hermione Granger want to lose my virginity to Professor Snape before I turn 20.

"Despite your previous teacher teaching nothing but Goblin history, I am here to make sure you can effectively pass your N. E. W. T. S on History of Magic with flying colours. Whilst in this class you cannot brew fame or put a stopper to death, however, you can learn how to effectively come out alive from an encounter with a siren, or even know why your magical wand core chose you, many of these things and much more will be covered in the next couple of months, it will not be easy, and I will not pretend that it will be so. Any assignments not handed in will get a zero and you will go into the minuses for every day late that it is handed in, your exam will be 3 and a half hours long, with no real respite, if you are currently thinking that this class is not for you, leave right now."

No one left the class, and I think no one was really inclined to, despite his harsh speech. "The first part of our subject these next couple of weeks will be the battle at Hogwarts and the strategies used by both sides to fight against one another, this will be compared to muggle warfare and the war some experienced from 1939-1945. Start copying notes! Adolf Hitler was a German soldier in an army who survived the first great muggle war. In his encampment of soldiers, he was the only soldier to survive the attack. Muggle men used guns, a muggle weapon which can individual compartments for bullets, which were little capsules containing gunpowder, when fired, the bullet would enter the body causing serious damage, most soldiers died from a lack of blood or serious damage made by the bullet entering and exiting the body. The bullet is made by melting a liquid and placing it into a mould, once the liquid has cooled down, it is taken out of the mould placed into a sheet with some gunpowder sealed together and ready to use. Any questions?" Silence reigned over the room as Professor Snape's lecture sunk in, he continued in his abnormally silky voice.

"The guns allowed the muggles to shoot their enemies from a distance, what advantages do you think this has? Yes, Ms. Granger" "Shooting from a distance allows the men to be further away from their enemies, saving mean on their side and also allowing for shots to miss more. It also gave the men more time to load their weapons and if possible throw some other weapons they had lying around, like a grenade." "5 points to Gryffindor for your answer Miss Granger, it seems that you have learned to say things without memorising it from a text book." "Weapons have changed drastically in many centuries, in the nomadic times, they used rocks, stones and sticks to fight off creatures they otherwise would have eaten them. For those of you who are illiterate enough to not know what a spear is a spear is a long piece of wood, which has a piece of sharpened flint or rock attached to it with some vines or grass. The spear allowed hunting animals and in some fights killing their opponents. From spears to knives, to swords, to guns, to bombs, muggle technology has advanced extremely, it is predicted that within the next 50 years that muggle technology will have advanced so extremely that our charms and wards will no longer hide, us we have one of either 2 choices join them or exterminate them. For those of you who don't know, a bomb is a device made by splitting either a uranium atom or plutonium atom, this process will result in an explosive explosion."

Appearing behind Professor Snape was the ghost of Tom Marvolo Riddle also known as Lord Voldemint (oops did I say Lord Voldemint, I meant VOLDEMORT) he was holding a pipe bomb, the class was in a panic, it was like watching a class of headless chickens run around. Actually, it was exactly like that except for the fact that not everyone looked like chickens. To emphasise the fact that everyone did indeed look like a headless chicken, I cast a spell, which allowed him or her to look like headless chickens, amused at my fun, I returned to the action at hand. He grabbed a pipe bomb, seemingly out of nowhere, brandishing it about he yet out "Do you know what this is? Of course not, you are stupid little children, this my worms is a pipe bomb." He span around in the air, only to be confronted by an irate professor Snape. "What in Merlin's earth do you think you are doing with that pipe bomb, you no for good lazy ghost, why are you a ghost again?"

"Well Snapey Snape, you traitor, I have a pipe bomb because I plan on killing this class of children, as I mentioned earlier. In addition, I am a ghost because I was unfortunate enough to not complete what drove me so endlessly when I was alive. So, I was brought back as a ghost, and luckily enough, I had Peeves to help me create this bomb, be able to hold it, and throw it at you lot." Cackling like the insane snake man he was, Voldemort went to throw the pipe bomb, but was suddenly stopped by a crack of an egg, which splashed down his face, covering him from head to toe. He looked to see the perpetrator that threw the well-aimed egg, not seeing anyone holding any eggs, he was stunned to see very large bright orange … legs? Looking up, he screamed shrilly, standing above him was the biggest chicken he ever saw, not to mention, it was the biggest ghost chicken he ever saw, running and taking the pipe bomb with him, he was chased by the chicken all through the walls, doors and space. Chasing Voldemort across Europe was this giant chicken ghost, it was only seen rarely, and Voldemort even less than that, obviously frightened of the giant chicken and her massive eggs.

FIN

Authors Note: Please say if you like it or not, I know that it is a weird topic, and it seems unfinished, but that is because it is part of my NaNoWriMo rebelling. Please review.


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